Inner reality vs public expression

Adolescence is tough. The stresses and pressures are immense during a time when body chemistry is in chaos and brain development isn't yet equipped to deal with any of it. For many adolescents, the bulk of stresses and pressures are from external challenges. When I went through it, almost all of the stresses and pressures were from me. That has continued since. NO ONE has higher expectations of my performance than me. NO ONE is as demanding of perfection from me as me. This base assumption that I am capable and powerful is so deep, I'm not even conscious of it, really.

And yet, it is so easy to be compassionate with others. "Of course you can't keep on top of that. Just look at it it! Anyone would be overwhelmed." "Yep, that mistake's a doozy. Remind me to tell you about the time I wiped out the root account on every node of a Teradata cluster. It's so great that you spoke up about it, though! Look how we were able to swarm together to fix it and all learn from it!"

I am gradually learning to apply the same compassion to myself. In my teens, I was self-critical. In my 30's, I liked who I was. Now, in my 50's, I am learning to love who I am with the same uncomplicated acceptance as I love my toddler grandson.

That said, I still have very high expectations of myself and I'm still stressed at a pre-conscious level that I don't measure up.

It makes me happy when someone thanks me for making their life or job easier - especially when it comes with that little relaxing around the eyes as they let go of a bit of fear. When someone praises me for good work, though, my emotional response is to discount it completely. "You think that's good, you should see what I should have delivered." In the first case, it's all about the other person and compassion kicks in. In the second case, it's all about me and self-criticism kicks in.

Note to self . . . I'm probably not unique in this. When thanking others, tell them how they made my life easier rather than how amazed I am at their work.

Think about this, though. There's a fierce jubilation when I nail a task, solve a challenge I've struggled with, or checked off something as DONE! (And I do mean "fierce".) My hands go up, I beam with triumph, I can conquer the world! My family and friends smile indulgently at me and that makes me laugh and feel happy. This is all about me. I'm capable of feeling and expressing self-pride, confidence, capability. (Why do I almost always list things in threes?)

What's different between the times I dismiss what others say about me and the pride I show when I . . . Oh. That's it, isn't it. When I praise myself, I'm as indulgent as my loved ones are, as I would be with any of them. When it comes from someone else, I haven't reached the same conclusion yet, so their input competes with my inner evaluation. Worse, if my evaluation disagrees with theirs, one of us has bad or incomplete data (because, of course we're both perfectly rational) and nothing unsettles me as much as feeling like I'm missing something - especially missing something obvious.

This explains a lot. Counselors don't usually tell people the answer, they draw it out of the person. In the first case, the person would fill in the "missing" info and explain why it wouldn't work. In the second, it's the person's idea and they are selling reasons why it would work. That's a common manipulation technique - if you want someone to think a certain way, help them think it's their idea.

Human beings are immensely powerful. We know we have the right, obvious, common sense opinion. It's so obvious that others should be compelled to agree with us. The fact that they don't is a horrible, undermining idea that we will go to great lengths to defend against.

So the conflict between our inner reality of what is obviously true and our public expression of rejecting doubt is really our discomfort with difference. Of course, it's more complex than that because some differences matter and others don't. That's something to ponder for a later topic.